What's the Harm in Looking?
by pinkblacktiara
Summary: What if Bella never jumped from the cliff and Edward never came back? Set four years after New Moon. Bella is in college. Alice finds her facebook and shows Edward. Edward's POV. One shot.


_**Summary**__: What if Bella never jumped from the cliff and Edward never came back? Set four years after New Moon. Bella is in college. Alice finds her facebook and shows Edward. Angsty, one shot. _

_**A/N**__: I wrote this in an hour. It has not been beta'd. _

"Edward?" Alice called out, approaching the living room. The sun was setting, throwing pink shadows into the den where I sat, head bent over my torts textbook.

"In here," I responded.

She walked in lightly, her face contorted into a blank expression. I quickly scanned her thoughts, confused. She was concentrating on the laptop in her hands, skirting around the reason she came to me. I cocked an eyebrow questioningly at her.

"I have something to show you," she said carefully, stopping in the doorway. "And I think you need to look at it."

"What is it?" I asked, shutting my textbook.

"Don't get mad at me." And as if the dam had broken, her mind filled thoughts of Bella.

"No!" I growled, trying to block out her mind. "Alice, no!" The images came quick and fast, a flood of my beloved swirling around the inside of my head.

_Just listen to me! _She thought desperately.

I sunk down onto the couch, my head in my hands. It'd been over four years since I left Bella for her own good, but that didn't mean the pain was any more bearable. I'd been a wreck for the first few years, leaving my family completely and letting my misery overwhelm me in the darkest corners of the earth. I'd been able to put on a brave face for the past year and go home, but that didn't mean anything. I pretended for Esme's sake, avoided thoughts of Bella at any cost, but it didn't help, would never help. My existence was meaningless. I went through the motions absently, a shell of my former self.

Alice should know better than to bring her up with me! She better than anybody knew how precariously I was straddling the lines between oblivion. I could barely function on my best day, and she brings this to me? I jumped up, baring my teeth at her.

"Calm down," she said, louder than necessary. "I need to talk to you."

"I don't want to listen," I spat out.

_Please, Edward_, she thought. _It's important. _

Instantly, my mind jumped to the worst. Death, dismemberment, Bella lying in a casket, her skin cold…

"What?" I said, taking a deep breath, trying to calm myself.

Alice paused, unsure of how to phrase her next question. "Have you ever heard of something called facebook?"

My snarl ripped through the living room. "That's what you wanted to talk about? A _website?_"

"Is everything alright?" Esme's worried voice drifted down the stairwell.

"We're fine!" Alice called back. She directed her attention back to me. _Just give me one minute,_ she thought. _One minute to plead my case._

I stared at her, teeth bared, not moving. I searched her thoughts for an ulterior motive and found none. We stood there, eyes locked, for who knows how long. Then, defeated, I sunk down onto the couch. "You have one minute."

_I found her facebook, _Alice thought quickly, her thoughts tumbling outwards. _It's a website where people post updates about their life. She's on here, posting pictures and all kinds of stuff. _

"I don't want to see it," I said tiredly, pinching the bridge of my nose.

_Let me finish,_ Alice said. _I don't think this will do any harm._

"You don't think?" I laughed bitterly. "Alice, have you been paying attention lately?" I gestured down to myself, barely able to keep it together when I heard her name.

_Let me finish,_ Alice repeated, more firmly. _I know you worry about her. I just want to show you she's okay. You don't have to go to Arizona State, you can just—_

"She's in college?" I whispered.

Though I was loath to admit it, I'd cheated a few times. Gone back to Forks and scoured every inch of the place for her scent, hoping to track her to wherever she had moved. I was never able to catch it. Wherever she had gone, I could not follow.

_Yes, _Alice thought, latching onto my moment of weakness. _She's a senior studying journalism at Arizona State. _

This knowledge shook me to my core. Journalism. Why journalism? She had always loved writing. Did she work for her campus newspaper? I could just see her, long nights in a college news room, sitting behind the editor's desk, directing reporter's in the wake of breaking news. Her hair pulled back, her face flushed, her—

No. I couldn't think like that. Each imaginary scenario was a punch to the gut until I could barely breathe. Bella. The name alone destroyed me.

_I know you worry about her,_ Alice thought. _I just want to show you that she's okay. _Alice's internal voice was pained. _What's the harm in just looking?_

I didn't respond. She was right, in a way. There was no harm. I'd already felt the most unbearable pain. _What's a little more weight_? I laughed without humor.

Alice looked at me, weighing my reaction. She took a few steps towards me. I didn't move.

She brought the computer over to me, gently setting it down on the coffee table. I leaned forward as Alice fiddled with the keyboard and then stepped away. "Just click through," she said quietly.

I don't know how long I sat there, frozen, staring at the first photo on the laptop screen. Alice must have known that, once I saw her, there was no turning back. She must have known there was no way I could refuse to keep looking once I'd gotten a taste.

It was Bella, older, her hair shorter, but Bella nonetheless, recognizable. She was looking into the camera, brown eyes wide and open and lovelier than ever. My heart ached with a ferocity I had forgotten existed. There was purpose to this pain ravaging through me, reminding me that somewhere, she was beautiful and happy and safe.

Moving slowly, I leaned forward and started clicking through the photos, taking in every detail. Bella looking away from the camera and facing a bonfire, an Arizona State sweatshirt knotted around her waist. Her face furrowed in concentration as she skewered a marshmallow onto a long metal stick.

Bella in a black swimsuit with a group of people. Their arms around each other's waists. She wasn't smiling.

Bella sticking her tongue out at the camera, her face blurry. She was sitting in a library, a stack of books balancing on the table.

Bella in a short gold dress, posing with two other girls in similarly tight outfits. They were outside on the street. The other girls towered over Bella in their platforms.

Bella sitting on the shoulders of a huge dark-skinned man with long, jet-black hair. She was grinning ear to ear. With a stab of pain, I recognized Jacob Black. Their hands were intertwined.

I kept clicking, unable to stop. Bella in class. Bella curled up with a gray cat. Bella crossing her eyes. Bella mid laugh. Bella adjusting her hair. Bella at a concert. Bella in a crowded room. Bella asleep on a couch. Bella. Bella. Bella.

I watched her face flicker past the screen, my breathing ragged.

Suddenly, one of the photos started to move shakily. _It's a video,_ Alice thought. I let it load. There was no turning back.

"It's Bella's birthday!" a disembodied female voice squealed, panning the camera left to right. It was a party in somebody's living room. People were taking up every square inch of space. I could hear scratchy music from the speakers and watched people swaying back and forth to the bass. The windows outside showed it was the middle of the night.

There were copious amounts of liquor sitting on a bar in the background. There were several people standing around and sitting on barstools. With a pang, I recognized Bella, her back to the camera. Her hair was brushing her shoulders.

The camera woman pushed through the throng of people and approached Bella. She turned and looked at the camera.

I felt my heart shatter. The pictures had not done her justice, could never do her justice. Her eyes were bright and wide, outlined with gold. I'd never seen her wear makeup before. I silently cursed the camera's bad quality, desperately wanting to see her better. There were two bright red spots on her cheeks. I didn't breathe.

She was mouthing the words to a song and burst out laughing, staring straight at the camera. I pretended she was looking at me. "Anna!"

I closed my eyes and let her voice wash over me. It was excruciating. God in heaven, her voice was musical, her laugh unreserved and genuinely _happy_ to see the girl holding the camera. I remember when she was happy to see me, how she'd stumble over herself to run the last few steps into my arms.

I always caught her.

I heard her laugh again and then a shuffling and a thud. My eyes flew open. Bella was stumbling, a man next to her holding onto her elbow. I snarled.

"Oh my God, Bella, how much have you had?" Anna giggled. She was obviously far from sober as well.

Bella got her footing and paused, looking contemplatively at the camera. "Well, it's my birthday, right, so—"

"Obviously not enough!" Anna finished. The camera made a beeline to the bar top and set the camera on the counter. I saw her fumbling around with bottles.

For a few moments, I couldn't see Bella anymore. My heart stopped. Figuratively, of course. I hadn't seen her in years, but her removal from Alice's laptop screen for one moment destroyed me. I leaned forward, inches away from the computer.

Anna was pouring a clear liquid into a small glass vial. I saw Bella's arm in the lower left of the frame and I concentrated on it, grabbing a mental hold of it like a drowning man. This party, Bella stumbling around inebriated, laughing with friends- every moment of it felt like a knife twisting in my gut. I didn't dream of turning it off. 

Anna picked up the camera and turned around to Bella, offering her the drink. "Cheers!" she squealed, and Bella, _my_ Bella, Bella who didn't drink wine at Christmas, Bella who got woozy on DayQuil, took the proffered drink and downed it in one swift movement. She stopped for a second and made a face, sticking out her tongue.

"So Bella, how do you feel?" Anna asked, ever the interviewer. She had obviously planned this, because Bella laughed and motioned at the speaker (nearly knocking over a bottle of rum). There was a pause and two girls came up behind her, wrapping their arms around Bella as they all three swung around and belted out the chorus on the top of their lungs. I watched Bella throw her head back, her hair sweeping around her face. I took a deep breath, as if to smell it.

"_I don't know about you, but I'm feeling twenty-two!"_

The party erupted. This was obviously a popular song. Anna took the camera off of Bella for an unforgivable amount of time, slowly panning it across the party, recording people dancing and singing.

How did Bella get roped into this party? There were easily a hundred people there. She was always so uncomfortable in crowded scenarios. "_Too many people to watch me make a fool of myself,"_ she had told me once, before her disastrous eighteenth birthday party. My stomach clenched at the thought.

The camera landed back on Bella and she didn't look uncomfortable. She was dancing with a blonde girl, the two of them laughing and whirling around, dramatically singing to each other. They turned to the camera for the last verse, pretending to be holding microphones.

"_Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're twenty-two!"_

The camera cut off there, pausing on Bella's face, her eyes scrunched up in laughter, her grin a mile wide. A piece of her hair was trapped in her lip gloss.

I stared at the screen, afraid to look away. All I had left of Bella was a thirty second video of her singing too loudly to some catchy pop song. Bella, a new Bella, a Bella that wore makeup and drank alcohol and was comfortable in social situations. Four years had passed since I'd seen my Bella.

I breathed out raggedly, my hand pressed to the computer. My fingertips sent rainbows across the screen where I outlined her face, her lips, her hair. The longer I looked, the more I could see _my _Bella peeking beneath the surface. The joy in her face, her laughter, the smile so big it would break her face. She was overjoyed to be in that room thousands of miles away with the people she loved.

Maybe college had been good for her. Get away from the demons in her past. It was obvious she had forgotten about me, too blinded by the Arizona sun to remember the man who had kept her in the clouds.

The thought was intolerable.

"Edward," Alice said quietly. I didn't look at her, still tracing the outline of Bella's nose. _Edward_, she thought this time. _Are you okay?_

I didn't answer. My fingers were still outstretched towards the screen. A million scenarios raced through my head- I knew where she was now, I could run to her and be in Arizona by sunset, get down on my knees and beg for her forgiveness, wait to be blessed by my divine angel and crawl to her for absolution.

The thought of it made me dizzy. The idea of seeing her again- not on some low quality video, but seeing her smiling in person- washed over me. I stared at her face. The idea was so powerful, a pinprick of peace calling out to me. Calling seductively for me to end my self-inflicted torture.

I slammed the laptop shut. It split evenly in two, electrical sparks spraying my arm. "I'm going upstairs," I muttered to Alice, fleeing the room. Her thoughts called after me, but I brushed them off.

I'd made a promise. I'd keep it if it killed me.


End file.
